Pet Peeves

Your pet is my nemesis. We are not friends; we only pretend to like one another. We are in a competition for your time and your affection. Your dog is winning. The pet never outgrows the need for supervision. Even if a woman has a 10-year old child, chances are there’s shared custody and the little fellow will be able to be left alone in the foreseeable future. Not the pet. Any moment of romance can be cut short by an inopportune yip saying, I need to pee. A weekend away? The dog laughs, Don’t even think it. I’ll be having intestinal issues starting Friday.

I told you about Max, Cindy’s yorkipoo, which did sentry duty the one night I spent there. He paced back and forth on the bed all night. During one fitful moment of sleep, I dreamt Max spoke to me with a French accent, because no one can express contempt quite as well as the French. Max said to me, “Well I was there and I saw what you did, Monsieur; I saw it with my own two eyes.” Max is a fan of Phil Collins.

I have been known to sneak dog treats on first dates in case theres a dog waiting at the door. The greeting I get from the dog is often considered a portent of my character or how the date may go. If the dog growls upon meeting me, I might as well call it a night right then. Should we come back to her place for a night cap, the dog may sit vigilant by her side. I know it’s eyeing my jugular in the hopes my guard slips.

Cats are just as bad, maybe worse, since they pretend not to care at all, callously ignoring my very presence until I start down the stairs. It is precisely at that moment, the cat will decide to run between my feet. Or I wake up at night in my lover’s bed to find the cat stealing my breath. She stares at me as i gather my wits. Foiled again, she thinks, if only I could slip him a mickey.

Narcissus didn’t drown himself as has been told down the years, he was pulled in by the koi in his lover’s pond. As for me, I keep plants. They keep their opinions to themselves and never try to steal my breath while I’m sleeping, but do their best to provide me with oxygen. I like plants. I’m not a fan of your pet.

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