Frankly, You Smell

And don’t call me Frank Lee.

When I was a married man, I had a bottle of cologne. I don’t remember the name of it, but it was the good stuff. I got it when I was 27 or so and still had the same bottle twenty years later. I don’t wear cologne much, only if I’m in a suit. I could not tell you why I felt the need to put it on when I was well-dressed, but I did. I probably would have been better off, if I wore it on my regular work days.

I used to buy my Dad Old Spice or Aqua Velva gift sets when I was a boy. The sets came with a few different bottles of aftershave and cologne. The women in the commercials really dug the men wearing those scents. The Old Spice sailor was always arriving in some port and passing his lucky bottle to some rube waiting on the dock. Aqua Velva used sports figures like Dick Butkus and Pete Rose, because nothing says sexy like those two. I’m not really sure why I was buying my father colognes that I thought would attract women. I am certain he always thanked me kindly for the gifts and then they completely disappeared from the house. Our house was very small and there was no spare space to store unwanted crap. Things could go missing very quickly if they weren’t used on a regular basis.

Anyway, when I left my marriage home, my cologne did not make it out with me. I suspect my ex-wife occasionally spritzes the bedsheets with it so she has an olfactory reminiscence of all the great times we had together. I’m joking, of course. My ex would rather sleep on sheets soaked with my aortic blood than anything that reminded her of me. But I digress.

Since joining online dating, I’ve felt the need to enhance my scent. I even switched deodorants because Jim Gaffigan said the one I used smelled like urinal cakes. I’ll never be able to wear Speed Stick again, though I had used it for decades. One does not want to smell like old man bar bathrooms. I’ve since switched to something else and I have no idea if it smells any better. The guys at work would say something, I’m sure. They don’t let much get by. Women, on the other hand, seem to let you be you for awhile and then casually mention in passing that your deodorant is horrible. And, oh yeah, your cologne is very fashionable, if we were still in the 90’s. I’m a man alone. I have no one to tell me if my shirt looks good with my pants. Black shoes or brown? Do I smell ok?

#onlinedating #middleaged #manspov

#middleageddating #lastfirstkiss #love #kissing #cologne #oldspice #aquavelva

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