Such Sweet Sorrow

Truth be told, I wasn’t sad to part ways with Cindy. Yes, she had so many positives about her, but somehow I could not commit fully to her. Why was this true, I’ve wondered. Was there something lacking in me or did she not fill my needs? In other words, did the relationship fail for legitimate reasons or did it fail for no good reason at all?

I’ve had two longstanding relationships in my lifetime. Certainly I can commit for long periods of time, though ultimately those relationships failed. I am convinced I am searching for my next and, hopefully, last love. I am told men my age are not really looking for a long term relationship and definitely not marriage. We are of an age where we think there is still time for exploration and adventure. As we enter our 60s and 70s and our attractiveness and health are on the wane, we look for the person who will care for us in our old age. Women not so much. They’re looking for the commitment now and if the relationship lasts, caretaking wouldn’t be out of the question. It’s a theory I’ve heard. I like to think I’m not like that, but the evidence may prove otherwise. I do think it lends itself to the stereotypes men and women might hold against each other. Specifically, women are looking for financial support here and now and men want a nurse and mourner in their dotage.

As for my relationship with Cindy, I lay its failure at my own feet (and at Max’s paws). I can see the nit picky things that bothered me: the child under 18, the all-seeing dog, the boobs, her monitoring my online activity, the rapid pace and need for commitment. All are legitimate concerns, but none of them, even combined, should have doomed the relationship at first bloom.

She was my first experience out of the online dating gate. As much as I may have told myself I was looking for the long term, I was excited to explore. With each passing day and week, I got better at introducing myself, bantering, and moving towards a real date outside the internet. I was a child in a candy shop for the first time and apparently, this kid’s a glutton. I should’ve shown more patience. I should’ve expressed my doubts and complaints with adult words, so she could have explained, changed or ignored as she wanted. We weren’t perfect together, nobody ever is. I apologize to her. She was part of my learning curve and it was very early innings (ooh, check out the sports reference. You won’t see many of those here.)

Having said that, I still blame the dog. Fuck you, Max, and your all-knowing stare!

#onlinedating #middleaged #manspov #middleageddating #lastfirstkiss #shakespeare