The Nouveau Virgins

I had been told it’s possible to have given birth while still a virgin. Of course, being Catholic, I had heard all about the Virgin Mary, but nobody in my hometown was being visited by the archangel Gabriel. These miraculous pregnancies were being prognosticated by Mr. Forrest, 6’4″ of grizzled, no-nonsense, former marine. He was my eighth grade sex education teacher (really he was the gym teacher and way out of his depth) telling us boys-the girls were being lectured separately-we could get so excited during a makeout session that some eager sperm may very well escape, weave their way through our briefs and jeans, through the girl’s clothes, and swim their way happily upstream to fertilize an unexpecting, but soon to be expecting, egg. He told us our sperm were absolutely Homeric in their endeavor to get to their goal. Our running backs at the high school, he said pointedly, could learn a lot from sperm.

And just like that, the hallways would be filled with pregnant virgins. Mr. Forrest also told us, the resultant baby should be considered 9 months old and three months later, a year old. After all, he told us, life starts at conception. Mr. Forrest did not shy away from controversy. We were made to keep a decent distance between our bodies during the slow songs at the school dance a few days later.

As far as I know, there were no virgin births and yet I’ve found no lack of nouveau virgins as I’ve waded back into the dating pool. These are middle-aged women, mostly mother’s, who are quite happy living chaste lives. Sex will be withheld until either I’ve proven myself especially worthy or we’ve married. My ex-girlfriend found religion several years into our relationship and decided one day we would no longer know each other sexually until after a walk down the aisle. I walked somewhere, but it was not down an aisle.

A woman, with whom I love conversing, told me she has basically given up sex for good. I told her sex and ice cream are the two great rewards life has to offer. I’ll stick to ice cream then. I get nauseous thinking about bodily fluids. I didn’t bother pointing out ice cream is frozen scoops of bodily fluids, just not human.

I am not arguing for casual or promiscuous sex, but I do feel sex is one of the great joys God has granted us. In no other way can one find that level of bliss naturally. The orgasm is a gift granted by God, to make the perpetuation of life a joy, not a burden. I would suggest as we get older, perhaps we should be enjoying it more. After all, the years don’t run ahead in great numbers anymore. Your orgasms, like your days, are finite. Gather them while you still can.

#middleaged #manspov

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